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Distant

What makes you feel alive and breathing are things that makes you move on and go on with life. Though there are a lot of things going on, what is important is that you make each moment a special one and survives the day. It’s never too late. You’ve been distant for so long. You’ve been longing to do this again but it’s been hard lately, like knocking on a door without answers, it might be what you wanted but you are bothered, greyed out and brain dead as if.

You can do it. Continue to chase life, it’s meaning to you. Never give up. Love yourself more. Know what you want and do it without hesitation! You’ve been here and been there. Cycle will always change the direction but it’s for you to follow and go against!

Fight for what you think is right and do the right thing. SMILEEEE!

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Thank you God for today

I think I’m in love, my heart tells me I am. It feels really good. 

Well I just wanted to thank God for all of the blessings. For life, happiness, love, family and everything that I have right now and can do right now that I can’t before.

Looking at the brighter side of life comes a realization that God all the way has never let me down. His guidance is always there.

I thank God that I’m still here and can still feel His earth. I know sooner or later it will come that I will no longer be part of these beings that I will fade away, be taken away from this soil. 

Before that happens I am really thankful for the life I have lived. I am thankful that God gave me a very loving, caring, understanding and God fearing mother who influenced me as well with her strength and wisdom.

I thank God that I have great siblings my sister and brothers who are always there to inspire me, make me smile and gives me hope to move on.

I thank God for the love of my life my husband who’s always been there. Who loves me for who I am, we may never have the same ideas, thinking, takes in life but one thing is for sure our hearts belongs to one another. 

I thank God for always sending angels to guide me.

I thank Him for all of the people that he uses as instruments to answer my prayers. I can’t mention all of them but they are the good people who brought me to where I am today. These kind people taught me to be strong and go on with life.

I thank God for the wonderful career, for people who continues to believe in me and my capabilities.

Indeed I am super blessed. So thank you God for today.

 

:)

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Tanga! Bakit Inunfriend Mo? Internet Lang Yan Mas Matindi Ang Love!

“Wish I could be the one, the one who could give you love, the kind of love that you really need”.

“Sana dalawa ang puso ko”

Ang tanga ko naman talaga oh. Hirap naman kasi kapag mahal mo ang tao. Hamakin mo nga naman na kinakaya mo i unfriend. Hirap talaga sakiiittt!

Whew! panu ba yan eh ang tagal ko na talagang mahal ang taong to eh, di ko lang talaga maamin sa sarili ko o sadyang tanga nga talaga ako.

Nung una ko syang masilayan talagang iba eh, alam mo yung ramdam mo na biglang bumagyo sa loob ng puso mo. Totoo yung bang tipong pagtingin mo sa dibdib mo ay sobrang sabog dahil sa kabog ng kabog. Hayyyy totoo yan kaloka talaga.

Grabe naman kasi si Madlang Creator kung anu-ano ang mga pinararanas sa akin. Isa na nga dito ang makilala ko si “Prince of my dream”, maging bahagi sya nga buhay ko, maging kaibigan ko, katawanan, karamay. Kaloka talaga ano?

Hamak mo ang tagal naming nagkasama nito eh. Di ko alam kung my mga naging obvious din akong moves para mapansin ng tao na to na may gusto ako sa kanya. Sa araw-araw naming pagkikita sa school noon. Sa bawat araw na nakikipagtawanan sya sa akin, nakikiramay, nakikinig hayyssss bakit kaya hindi naging kami.

Tama ba na sabihin ko na natorpe ako sa kanya, eh di naman yata tama, ako torpe, may babae bang torpe? Pwede ba yun. Ewan ko basta feeling ko natorpe talaga ako. Hayyysss naloka na nga talaga siguro ako.

Himala na nga lang siguro na mahalin pa ako ni “Prince of my dream”. Wish ko nga sana talagang minahal nya ako noon. Ang tagal na rin kasi na mahal ko sya eh as in sobrang tagal na hanggang ngayon ay di ko pa rin sya maiwaglit sa isip ko. Maniwala ka pinilit ko talaga na malimutan sya pero di ko maintindihan.

Talagang bumabalik eh, ano ba yan! Ano ba talaga ang purpose mo sa buhay ko “Prince of my dreams”?

Teka lang medyo naalala ko nga pala unfriend? Hahahaha kakatawa kasi sa internet lang yun eh, sa internet ko lang kayang gawin yun sa kanya. Eh sa sobrang pag iwas ko ay parang lalo pa ngang lumapit eh. as in super lapit lang, halos isang jeepney ride lang nasa bahay ko na eh.

Tapos speaking of inunfriend ko sa internet tapos connected naman kami sa emails at skype! Tama ba yun? Hahahahaa ibang level talaga to. Ang bigat pare! Ang masaklap pa nyan ay na reunite talaga kami, dahil nga kasi yun sa “friendship” namin.

Siguro napakatalino ng taong makakapagturo sa akin na i unfriend ko sa buhay ko si “Prince of my dreams”. As in i unfriend sya in real life. Di ba pagpapaka obvious naman yun na parang sa wala lang dahilan ay bigla nalang di mo pansinin ang tao.

Hay nako Prince sana kung alam mo lang kung gaano kahirap sa akin na bigla ay nagkaroon muli tayo ng communication sa isa’t isa. Bakit naman kasi naging sobrang sama ng pangyayari sa life ko lately kaya nagdecide ako bumalik sa homeplace namin, yan tuloy eto na naman, simula na naman nga pagkabog, kabog nitong puso ko para sayo.

Naalala ko nga one time na nagdinner tayo, as in isang rare event na tayong dalawa lang and we were talking about our lives at di ako makatingin sayo, di ko kaya na makipag-usap ng matino, yung ang hirap na inches lang ang pagitan natin sa isa’t isa. Sobrang naiihi ako sa sobrang kilig na for all those years naulit muli na na solo kita.

Sa dami pa naman ng nagkakagusto at humahabol sayo. Hayyyysss super talaga , super killiiiiggg ang moment na yun, tapos ihinatid mo pa ako sa bahay kasi ginabi na tayo sa sobrang kwentuhan na hindi ko rin maalala ang lahat nga sinasabi mo at sinasabi ko sayo kasi sobrang overwhelmed ako na parang litaw sa ulap ang isipan.

Yung unang alone moments kasi natin noon yung sinundo mo ako sa harap ng school tapos sumakay tayo ng traysikel papunta sa bahay ninyo kasi makikigamit ako ng phone. Tapos naalala ko nun na tinanong tayo ng isang schoolmate na kung kelan daw ang wedding natin, as in sobrang kilig ko nung sinabi mo na “Bukas, bukas na ang kasal namin” kung di nga lang jowk yun eh, papatulan ko na talaga.

Ang dami pa kaya nating mga kilig moments, tulad nung nag party tayo sa may tabing dagat kasama ang ibang friends tapos naglaro tayo ng truth or dare at pinapasigaw mo sa akin kung sino ang crush ko. Hayyysss kung alam mo lang pangalan mo talaga gusto kong isigaw.

Tapos nung isang beses na gustong gusto mo ako isama sa bahay ninyo. Sabi ko nga tanga ako eh kasi sinabihan kita na busy ako at di ako makakapunta at next time nalang.

As in ang dami dami at super dami pa ng mga moments ko sayo. Pero panu yan eh di mo naman ako like kasi friends tayo eh.

Nakakainis ka naman kasi minsan eh may mga i miss you, miss you ka pa na message sa akin, may mga pasaring ka pa na anu gagawin mo kung wala ako. Eh sino ba naman ang di kikiligin sa mga yan.

Pero alam mo kasi, nakalimutan na kita eh, it was like 5 years ago na manirahan ako at nagpatuloy mabuhay sa ibang lugar. Di mo lang kasi alam isa ka sa mga dahilan kung bakit lumayo ako.Di na kita naaalala nun eh, di ko na nga matandaan na naging magkaibigan tayo.

Ang masaklap pa kasi nyan hindi na talaga pweding maging tayo kasi mamaya ko nalang i re-reveal ito.

Back to kilig moments muna, isa pa kasi sa tuwing magkikita tayo talagang ang saya saya ko. Sobrang saya na parang nanalo lang sa jackpot ng lotto.

Ikaw nga talaga siguro ang first love ko kasi ang hirap hirap mo i let go. Ang hirap na di ka pansinin, makausap, makita. Sabi nga nila first love never dies, tama nga siguro because in my heart you never died. Nandiyan ka palagi, naaalala ka ng puso ko sa tuwing makikita ka niyang muli.

Nung una talaga akala ko crush lang eh, pweding lumipas, tumanda, mawala, kumupas, pero hindi eh, parang masyado pa nga yatang tumindi eh.

Kung pwede nga lang sana. Super sayang. Mahal pa rin talaga kita. Sana one day may chance na maging mahal mo rin ako.

Ngayon kasi may mahal na akong iba, meron nga may-ari sa puso ko, nakalock na nga eh, nakatali, kandado at vault pa.

Panu kasi eh di ka naman na nagparamdam nung mawala ako, yan tuloy si Madlang Creator binigyan ako ng bagong someone.

Hindi ko naman sinasabi na hindi ko mahal ang asawa ko ngayon pero kasi mahal pa rin kita at mahal ko rin sya.

Mukha ngang nagkatotoo yata ang theme song na ginamit ko noon sa isang story na sinulat ko “Sana dalawa ang puso ko”.

Ang bigat-bigat na talaga kasing dalhin nito eh. Di ko na kaya, hirap nang itago. Puso anu ka ba i let go mo na nga huwag ka lang mag unfriend kasi hirap eh.

Basta kung mababasa mo to alam mo na na sobrang tinamaan talaga ako sayo.

To my current love: I love, love, love you pero di ko alam, kagaya mo lagi mo rin ikinukwento ang tungkol sa first love mo na hindi mo sya kayang kalimutan, siguro ganun din ang nasa puso ko ngayon.

Ang wierd no? Kaya kayo hoy! Di epektib ang unfriend kasi magkikita pa rin kayo, magkakausap, magkakapicturan at kung anu-ano pa.

Wakas na wagas! Tingnan at abangan nalang natin ang mga kaganapan, magaganap, gaganapin!

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Welcome 2014! I want to explore more!

Hello world! So it’s another year a new one but I guess every milliseconds is a new one. As I type these words here I wanted to think of the wonders surrounding my being! Explore is the word i would like to instill in my mind this year!

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2013 as far as I can recall had caused my weak side to succumb into loneliness, hide happiness into the bottom of a pit and ignore what my heart desires which is simply happiness. But of course I could not ignore the blessings of a wonderful career and people that have stayed with me and showered me with unexpected support and wonderful views and perspective of how to continue to strive and fight and move on.

Starting this year with a blast of wanting to know more the deeper meaning of oneself, the offerings that the world can offer to make me a more of it’s being co-existing with the others. There had been a lot of thoughts going on, rushing in and like a fire burning in my heart the desire to go out and show what my real desires are.

Without forgetting the Mighty Creator and Savior i will continue my journey towards life. It doesn’t matter what happens I will face all consequences of my actions and not be a prisoner of my own persona. I’ve been victimized by this for a really long time. I guess the secret lies within having to know what you wanted and just do it. Seize the day per se!

I can be happy and be what I want and go where I want. That’s a positive thought I wanted to instill from then on! Right! Who knows!

Love life, live and be awesome!!!!

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It’s getting harder and harder to breath

Why happiness is so hard to achieve these days, people are so cruel and narrow minded. It has always been this way. I feel like I’m living for nothing and no purpose.

I’ve been trying my best to find what life needs to be like when you are happy but it seems like the luck in finding the answers is getting thinner as time passes by.

People are really hard to understand, plans are not working well at all, relationships are getting tougher and tougher, I really miss my old simple life, when things are not this complicated, when material happiness is just secondary to love. When the world seems to mess up you can still try to look up into the sky and said I can do this!

Today I feel so down and weary for the burdens are becoming more heavier, All I just wanted is a normal life where you think about what your plans are for the future, you are looking up into something a goal that you know you may or may not reach but at least every day you wake up and say I will take the steps and achieve these things. I’m losing all of these things now, I’m a lonely pathetic person whose been in trouble and could not get out and escape.

I think it’s time to plan for a  better escape, where I can be alone, think clearly and plan for a better future and not think about others’ shit. They have been shitting my life the whole time and I am becoming a monster as they continue to do so. I need to think and escape from this crazy nightmare that I’ve put myself into.

This is not who I am, this is not what I want and I definitely will do everything to not be enveloped by this darkness.

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Why am I seeing a doc? What about those hospital trips?

So today, I would like to entertain you guys with my medical history and the reasons behind why I am landing at the hospital and what causes my trips to the doctor.

The Beat and a Big Heart

heart

So this first story maybe interesting or not but if you guys feel butterflies in your stomach then good for you because for me I felt it inside my “heart”, yes as in the heart which is defined by wikipedia as “a hollow muscle that pumps blood throughout the blood vessels by repeated, rhythmic contractions”.

So I have this kind of what they call heart arrhythmia, which is irregular heartbeat. I’m a no doctor or hospital lover but my husband’s frequent trip to the doctor has made me a visitor as well. When he had his hypertension check-up he decided to have me checked as well and so the doctor thought it is kind of strange and funny because at first she didn’t believe me when I told her I have irregular heartbeat until she checked with her stethoscope and confirmed in an ECG as well. I also find it funny at first because every time that my heart would skip a beat or do this weird kind of beating, I felt like my heart is being tickled only  that it hurts when it does that then it will be followed by coughing because I am trying to breath or I say grasp some energy so it would beat normal again. It’s ticklish and painful at the same time.

I already have this weird heartbeat since elementary years and it would normally feel so bad when I’m stressed. Also one factor I am looking at is my size, I actually became fat. And the doctor confirmed I need to go on a diet because my heart is big and when my BMI is unbalanced it will be hard for it to pump. I agree with that and so she gave me a heart medicine called beta blocker, just to control the blood flow in the veins. I think I only took ten of it and then never took it again as I have already forgotten until we came back to her office after two years when she had to advise me to get a urine check-up. The doctor was shocked knowing that I’m not taking any medication because she said it needs to be controlled. On my side I am thinking it’s just fine coz I feel ok or maybe I am just used to having that kind of beat. So I was given this new medication again but I would always forget taking it before bedtime, maybe I am just stubborn or it’s just that I hate medicine.

Also I remembered last time she advised me to have a check-up every weekend and have an ECG test to determine what really causes the heart beat irregularity. It’s expensive so I didn’t came back. I am thinking I just need to eat right and exercise which I’m planning to do. So this is one of my trips to the doctor. I don’t mind having irregular heartbeat for as long as I know that my heart is big and is doing what needs to be done to humanity. Stubborn patient eh!

Love Bugs and Its Kisses

love bug

One evening inside our bedroom, Mom and I are talking while keeping things for our closet organized. The flood has just passed and so it’s cleaning time. I am in the bed leaning to a pillow while my mom folds the laundry when I felt something itchy on arms and so I reached for the itchy part and had to take away this kind of woody insect thing and throw it away. I though it was just some wood stick that got stuck into my skin. And so my mom and I continued to chat and organize the closet and laundry, I didn’t mind the itching, until we were about to go to sleep. We turned off the lights and started to get ready, I remembered I was already lying in bed and was able to take a 5 minutes nap when I felt something strange. The itching keeps on bugging me. It started with my palm, I remembered the itch level is crazy that I had to wake up and then I went to wash it with soap as I thought maybe I got something or held on something dirty while we were cleaning, but the itch keeps on growing and it won’t go away, then I started to scratch until it is my whole body, my ears felt so hot as well as my scalp, my eyes, and the itching doesn’t stop and it felt like it is inside the skin. I though that giving myself a bath would cure it. So I went and took a bath but even though my entire body felt hot I can feel really cold while the water is dripping on my skin, kind of weird so I hurried and finished it. Then I went to brush my teeth and I noticed that my gums are already bleeding. I thought maybe I had something in it but it’s really strange coz it continued to bleed. Then I went to see myself on the mirror I remembered looking at my eyes it was so red and the veins looked like it would pop-out. I had to wake my mom and tell her about the itching. So she woke up and checked me and that’s when she found the rashes all over my body. She applied baby powder to it but the itch and the super hot feeling inside my skin is there. So I told her we need to go to the hospital and so we did. During that time we were downstairs, my husband is upstairs with my mother in law because he just came out of the hospital for pneumonia. So we were never able to wake them up. It was already midnight and we don’t have a car. Good thing that when we were walking and on our way to the hospital a tricycle passed by us and gave us a ride.

Upon arriving the nurses checked my vital signs and good thing there was a doctor at the ER, he immediately asked the nurses to give me this injection (thing that I hate the most ggrrr) so this nurse who is I guess a student nurse hurriedly stabbed me with the injection, it was a stab! as I felt each and every inch of the needle going inside my skin like a slow motion. I was about to cry from pain but I felt funny. Then I gave my mother in law a call, when she answered the phone she was shocked to know I was in the hospital and so she had to wake my husband. My husband said he also was shocked and asked her mom who I was and why I was in the hospital. Really funny! But I remembered that while I was giving mom in law a call I began kind of shaking and convulsing and I also clearly remembered the doctor and nurses just staring at me, I could no longer concentrate talking over the phone but I am keeping myself calm but the body would voluntarily shake, it was so bad I can’t feel much of my jaw. And so while they were staring at me my mom shouted and said “hey what is happening to my daughter! why is she like that?” and that’s when they realize I needed to lie down on bed, so they asked me to lie on the ER bed. I find it funny though because I feel so strange being in this hospital just because I got bitten by a bug.

So the nurse asked me if I could breath well and I said yes and he told me to let him know if I can’t because they will give me oxygen. Inside my mind “This is a private hospital, oxygen is expensive, I wanted to go home, this is nothing. It’s just an insect bite.” And so I had to be brave, I can conquer it. Then suddenly I had this moment where I can’t actually breathe and felt like I was about to pass out, I covered my face with the blanket, then I remembered seeing white lights and then a recall of my happiest moment with my husband flashed back, I can feel some tears flowing on my cheek as I was trying to grasp a breath. Then I prayed to God and I remembered saying to him “Please God don’t let me die yet, If I am going to die today then just let me see my husband first”. And then I closed my eyes and I heard the hospital door opened and heard my husband’s voice. And then I tried to fight and compose myself and be calm. Then everything just seem going fine, I can suddenly breath well, I started to feel ok even though I’m still dizzy. But hearing my husband’s voice and thru my mom’s support I was able to fight back and be strong and I guess the injection took effect also.

It was a scary moment but a very memorable one as well. It made me realize how we should give love and love more the people around us while we were still alive. I also realized how lucky I am to have a very loving and caring husband and supportive moms my Mom and Mom in law. Indeed it was both a trial and a blessing as well and I thank God he gave me another chance that day.

So after that I did some researches and consulted another doctor or specialist with insect bites and that’s the moment we confirmed it was “Kissing Bug” isn’t it awesome. Love is awesome and not the bite.

Broken Glasses

broken-glass-heart-14576186

My husband and I had a quite strange love story. I have mentioned it on my previous blog. On the day he is suppose to introduce me to his mom and niece we had this very interesting encounter with the girl he was on before me. And this incident is one of the reasons why I married him and why I can say I fought for it!

So I was 22 years old that time and my now husband is my office mate during that time. We became friends together with the two of our colleagues. I never had a boyfriend, nor interested to having one. I never knew and had no idea about courtship in real life aside from what I saw in the movies and read on books. Aside from that my main goal is work and my family.

My husband on the other hand is a tormented boyfriend. He was in a relationship with this girl for almost 8 years, they were staying in their house together as she was a helper of their family. He loves her but the relationship isn’t just working at all. That’s his story. And so he started to get interested on maybe my crazy and independent nature that he decided to court me. I didn’t know it as I thought it was just friendship. I never meant to take him away from that crazy girl, but he decided he wants me. And so this girl keeps on pestering me everyday at work and keeps on threatening me. She thought she can scare me when all I know is I am just a friend of his guy. So because of the pestering I got so irritated and I get easily excited when challenged. So I told myself  “Ah so this is what you want? You want me to steal your boyfriend, you thought I can and I am stealing him from you, ok then let it be.”

So that evening we were on our way to meet his mom and niece when the girl suddenly appeared and bashed me and she broke my glasses on my face. I didn’t really feel what happened as it happened really fast. I remembered us taking a jeep ride going back to the office then I reached for a handkerchief and wiped my face and that’s when I noticed I am bleeding. When we arrived at the office I went directly to the restroom and I remembered pulling a stuck glass just under my eyes,  then the bleeding continued. So my husband had to bring me to the hospital. It was funny because they kept on asking us what happened and we don’t want to tell them the real deal and so we decided to keep it  a secret and told them I got into an accident inside the house. And so breaking a glass on my face is not acceptable that’s why I have to marry my now husband to give her a lesson. So I won.

But because of this broken glasses a once broken heart is mend and I finally got my first boyfriend and husband. :) Cool isn’t it. Just one cool doctor trip!

Food trip with Kitty

deal-with-it-cat11

I have a big heart for all animals in the world. One of them are cats. But I never expected that Kitty cat will let me land in the hospital and took a total of 16 injections.

This is how it all happened. Here in the Philippines there are lots of stray cats anywhere and everywhere. We happened to have this stray cat visitors at home. They would often stay on our rooftop. One morning, I saw these cats and heard these cats meowing and I really feel sorry for them because they looked really hungry. So I took some foods from our lunch and without hesitation I climbed up on a water container and reached out to reach the flat surface of the roof where I can place the food. However while I was raising my hand the hungry cats started rushing to it and one of them bit my fingers. At first I didn’t feel anything until I saw a blood on my fingers, I went inside our bedroom and let the bleeding continue, I didn’t want to tell my husband because I know he will get angry so I told our house helper.

Then while I was lying in bed I felt dizzy and nauseous might be because of the blood and now the pain that’s starting to manifest on my fingers. And then I did some research about stray cat bites and that’s when I found out about rabies and it’s effects. So I have no choice and I told my husband about what happened. So we rushed to the hospital so I can get a vaccine. And so when I arrived there I was interviewed and asked if what happened. It was funny because I am the only case that was bitten by a cat, all patients there were bitten by dogs. And then when I started explaining why I was bitten they would suddenly laugh at me, because they thought that I mistreated a cat that’s why it bit me. Then there were 3 categories for rabies and I was diagnosed with category III.

So they advised to have this anti rabies injection one is called ERIG and another anti rabies immunization, then anti tetanus. So I was given ERIG which was injected using a really huge needle on both legs, I remembered feeling numb from my hips to my toes. Then the most painful is the anti tetanus injected at your back near the butt cheeks and the anti rabies for both arms. There were three sessions each session will be two anti rabies and one anti tetanus. One thing that’s very painful though is the skin test where they kind of inject the medicine directly to your skin and it’s super painful, I had to shout.

But after all I made it till the last injection and still i love animals and cats and this will never stop me from helping the poor animal.

So these are all for now. I’m sooo sleepy!