Ang mahirap, masalimuot na proseso ng paglimot

Ang mahirap, masalimuot na proseso ng paglimot

Alam mo ba na ang dali lang sabihin na, “Kaya mo yan”, “Huwag mo nang isipin pa”, “Move on”. Ang dali diba? Pero kapag ikaw ang sinasabihan at may pinagdadaanan ang hirap pakinggan, hindi naman kasi puso nila ang nasasaktan eh. Inaamin ko na nasabi ko rin ito dati sa mga kaibigan at kakilala ko, pero alam na alam ko ang bigat na nararamdaman nila, sa dami ba naman ng delubyo na pinagdaanan ko, sa lahat ng hirap, sakit kirot, hindi ko na nga minsan alam kung papano ko nalalampasan eh.

Masalimuot ang proseso na ito, ang hirap ipaliwanag, pero naiisip ko nga na kahit siguro anung pamanhid ang gamitin ko hindi nito tatablan ang puso ko. Kapag kasi puso natin ang tinatamaan lahat apektado.

Ang dami kasing bagay na nangyari sa akin na paulit-ulit na lang naaalala ng puso ko. Alam mo na iyong mga bagay na kahit ilang taon pa ang lumipas ang tindi pa rin.

Mga nakaraan na pag naalala mo sasabog ka talaga, iyong sampalin ka ng tatay mo na sobrang sakit at sa laki ng kamay nya buong mukha mo namaga at may hulma ng mga daliri, eh ang liit mo pa kaya noon. Wala kang reaksyon kundi iiyak, pero sa mga oras na iyon nagsisimula nang matutong masaktan ang puso mo.

Ang dami lang talaga, nung time na hinabol ka ng itak ng tatay mo kasi sinabi mo lang ang totoo na hindi mo sya mahal kasi sinasaktan ka nya, tapos nung mga oras na pinapalo ka nya ng paha kasi hinawakan mo ang bass ng sound system nya sa bahay na mas mahal pa pala nya yon kesa sa iyo, tapos nakita mo na sinipa ang kapatid mo at gumulong-gulong kasi pinaglaruan ang gitara ng tatay mo, sa murang edad na tatlong taong gulang, nagsimulang magtanong ang puso mo na bakit kaya nangyayari ang ganoon. Tapos bigla nalang ay namatayan ka ng kapatid, biglaan na mga pangyayari na sa musmos mong isipan ay halos hindi mo pa maintindihan na kung bakit kinabukasan hindi mo na sya makakalaro, kung bakit hindi sya magising sa kwadrado nyang higaan. Ang sakit talaga.

Tapos ang mga oras na nakikita mo na minamaltrato at sinasaktan ng tatay mo ang nanay mo, yung time na inuwi nya ang kerida nya sa bahay nyo para pagsilbihan ng nanay mo. Musmos ka pa noon pero pilit mong iniintindi ang mga bagay. Biglang natuto ka ng maaga na hindi ganun kadali ang mabuhay sa mundo. Isang araw nakita mo ang nanay mo na may black-eye tapos ilang bese syang nakunan sa pagbubuntis nya dahil sa pagpapabaya ng tatay mo. Ang hirap isipin at nasasaktan ka tuwing makikita mo na nahihirapan ang nanay mo, kaya sa murang edad ay natuto kang maghanapbuhay para matulungan sya. At bigla ay nakita mo na minaltrato sya ng kapatid at pamilya ng tatay mo. Wala syang kakampi sa lugar na iyon, kayo lang nga kapatid mo ang syang sandalan at nagpapapursigi sa kanya. Kaya nga bilib ako sa nanay ko, ang tibay ng loob, kung gaano nya lahat hinarap ang mga hamon. Alam ko sobrang sakit ng lahat para sa kanya.

Nung umuwi naman kayo sa pamilya ng nanay mo, naiwan kayo para makahanap buhay ang nanay mo, malayo na nga sya sinasaktan ka pa at pinagtatrabaho ng husto ng Auntie mo na pinag-iwanan sa inyo. Nung mga oras na araw araw at pinag iigib ka ng ilang galong tubig na hindi mo naman pweding gamitin ng walang pahintulot galing sa kanya, may mga araw na nagsusulat ka ng liham sa nanay mo at binabantaan ka na huwag magsumbong sa mga ginagawa nilang pagpapahirap, tapos binabantayan ka rin sa tuwing kakausapin ka ng nanay mo sa telepono. Araw-araw nagtitiis ka sa pisong laman ng bulsa mo, pinipilit mo nalang maging masaya sa pag-iimagine na sa tuwing naglalakad ka papunta sa school ay may mga fairies sa daanan. Pero ang totoo gutom, pagod at nanghihina ka na. Kinaya mo rin naman hanggang sa dumating at umuwi ang nanay mo at nalaman ang totoo mong kalagayan.

Tapos lipat na naman ulit sa ibang lugar, nanirahan kayo sa bahay ng kambing, inaapi ng mga kalaro at pinsan mo kasi mahirap lang daw kayo. Lahat ng pangungutya nila tinitiis mo lang. Ginawa mo ang lahat, nag aral kang mabuti, nagtatrabaho para makapag-aral. Lahat ng gawain sa liit ng katawan mo ay kinaya mo. Ang tanging regalo na mabibigay mo sa nanay mo ay ang pag akyat nya sa entablado para ikabit ang medalyang pinaghirapan mo. Pero hindi nawawala ang katotohanan at realidad na mahirap lang kayo, walang pera, hindi kayang bumili ng kahit isang pirasong papel.Naranasan nyong makikain sa ibang bahay sa sobrang hirap ng buhay, gutom ay tinitiis at pilit umasa na may darating na biyaya.

Tapos patuloy ang buhay, natapos mo ang elemntarya, hayskul at sobrang dami ng pangyuyurak na dinanas mo. Tapos nag kolehiyo ka na, nanirahan at nagtrabaho sa ibang tao para maitaguyod ang pag aaral, kahit hirap ka tiniis mo lang, hanggang sa umabot na wala kang kinakain, pumapasok ka na butas ang sapatos mo at sa sobrang awa ng kaklase mo ay binigyan ka ng isang pares ng sapatos.

Ang laki ng expectations sa iyo ng mga nakakakilala, pero ikaw naman laging napapaisip na bakit sobrang hirap naman ng buhay. Dahil doon ay pinili mo na itigil ang pag aaral at hanapin ang sarili mo. Mga ilang beses ka rin napaisip na kitilin ang sariling buhay. Pero sa huli isinalig mo ang buhay mo sa Panginoon, dinala ka ng mga paa mo sa Maynila, ang daming nangyari na nagpabago sa buhay mo.

Nagkatrabaho ka at tapos doon ay nakilala mo ang taong magmamahal sa iyo. Pero hindi naging madali ang lahat, ang daming pananakit na ginawa sa iyo, sinaktan ng ex niya, sinaktan ka ng nanay nya ng paulit-ulit. Ang sakit na iyon ay hindi basta-basta kasi psychological pain yon. Pilit niyang pinapakita na hindi ka nya gusto, pinatira nya kasama sa bahay nyo ang ex ng asawa mo, pinagtsismisan ka, pinaratangan palalamunin ka lang sa sandaling time na natigil ka sa trabaho, pinilit na ilayo sa iyo ang look ng pamangkin mo, ang dami lang negative na nangyayari na hindi mo maipaliwanag kasi wala ka namang masamang ginagawa sa mga taong ito. Minahal mo lang ang anak nya. Sinakripisyo mo ang career at pangarap sa pamilya para sa kanya. At dahil sa pilit na inilayo sa iyo ang loob ng pamangkin mo ay hindi mo naman lang ito makausap, hanggang sa mawala na sya. Sobrang sakit lang talaga.

Tapos ngayon naman bigla ay sinasaktan ka ng taong mahal mo. Unti-unti ay nagbabago ang pagtrato nya sa iyo na ang lamig lang. Ewan di ko na alam kung papaano na naman malalampasan ito. Malapit na sana ang 8 year anniversary nyo at papalapit pa ang kaarawan mo.

Kaya tuloy pilit na bumabalik ang alaala ng lahat ng nakaraan nung iniwan kami nga tatay ko at pinagpalit sa iba ang nanay ko, kung gaano kasakit na lumaki na walang tatay, kung gaano kahirap ang naging buhay ko, kung gaano na laging ako nalang ang nagbibigay, nagpapaubaya, nagkikimkim ng lahat ng sakit. Ang daming pagkakataon na iniiyak kong mag-isa ang lahat.

Kaya mo pa bang sabihin na “Move on” lang. Hirap kaya, ikaw try mo.

Animal Cruelty : It’s hard to describe people nowadays

Animal Cruelty : It’s hard to describe people nowadays

Mean, cruel, monsters, no not monsters worst than that. It’s hard to find a word to describe these people. I do not understand why they take fun and happiness out of hurting these poor animals. These creatures whose life only evolves on their limited capability to communicate what they feel and how they wanted to just live in peace with these humans.

I know to err is human but it’s too much to bear. It breaks my heart to see the cruelty and to read these things about people always trying to hurt these poor creatures.

Someday, one day they will realize that reason why we should co-exist. Karma will come in no time and justice will be served to those who committed these wrongdoings.

I grew up loving dogs, cats, birds all animals, in fact when I was little I would even try to talk to ants and lady bugs. If only I have the resources and money I’d rather build a paradise for them. Animals and their attachment to us as their humans is hard to fathom, but the connection I’ve had with them is priceless that no human connection could ever replace. I find it calming to talk to my dog and cats about my life. Although they won’t understand but I can hear their heart listens and they respond in a way that makes your heart melt. When you were talking to them and they stare with those loving eyes and lick your face and sit on your lap. Those things nothing can replace them.

On Marriage: Resolving the Cheating Issue

On Marriage: Resolving the Cheating Issue

So here’s a continuation of yesterday’s saga. I waited for my husband to wake up so we could talk. I was not able to sleep the whole night. I kept on thinking why he would do that to me. What have I done to deserve such.

So morning came, he woke up early to prepare for work and I know that she is still in his mind, he has no idea I already knew it. So I woke up as well and waited for the right time to confront him about the issue.

So I reminded him of one thing we talked the other night not related to the issue, then he asked me why I would wake up for such a minute thing, and that’s the time I started to ask him in a tease, I told him “You know you have a fault, there’s something that you did and I already knew it.” He keeps on guessing and I told him I knew about him flirting with someone else and that I texted the girl and I saw the phone records as well. And I asked him why would he do that. I told him we’ve invested so much in this relationship and that I love him and we need to resolve the issue right away. I told him that there are still other things to think about other than that issue.

I’m glad that he is honest and that he told me about it and said he is actually ending the issue between them. He however couldn’t believe that I’ve messaged the girl.  I told him about the whole context of the message I sent the girl and ask him to never ever get involve in this kind of situation again. He said sorry, I said I love him and that he should not do this to me. I am keeping myself strong and not cry. I understand he has to leave early for work so that’s the end of the conversation.

When he arrived night time, we once again discussed about the issue, we dine out and  I listened to what he had to say, he had explained to me that he’s kind of fallen for her because she’s challenged him by avoiding him or something like that and he keeps on explaining that he needs to say to her that he had a crush on her and that he just wanted to be transparent about it. I listened to the whole explanation and then I said. “You know, no matter how you explain it, there is no other way to describe it but cheating.” Why would you fall for someone when you already have me? Do you not love me anymore? Have I done something wrong or have I wronged you that made you do it? Can you please explain because I am not understanding why you have to do it. And I told him you know when you are married that is suppose to be the last thing that your wife should be thinking about. Cheating is not even in my vocabs, I never thought of it, I told him he just need to stop it, do not invest those kinds of feelings and emotion to someone else or there are consequences. Then he explained to me that maybe he just misses the days when he is still courting, that kind of feeling. Then in my mind I said why not think of something to bring back that spark between us. And I would always end to a point telling him that no explanation could ever justify cheating. And yes he cheated.

So the only thing I needed from him is assurance and his loyalty. While we were discussing he also mentioned that he thinks of me while doing it and have been contemplating as well why he would do such a thing. And then I said to him, you know I don’t want us to be like other people, I don’t want this issue to grow bigger, I told him he needs to realize that there are consequences, it’s not only me, but both our families, his career could be affected.

I told him I want us to leave a good legacy to our siblings and that no matter how the thing is he needs to stop it. He needs to assure me that there’s nobody else other than me. He did and I believe him.

But still it’s not easy for me. This will take long and maybe I would never even forget this. Hopefully he keeps his word.

On Marriage: Today is the day I caught my husband cheating on me

On Marriage: Today is the day I caught my husband cheating on me

Hey there, I’m afraid I need to borrow your pages today. The inevitable did happen and yes it hurts. It’s a mix of emotions actually. It feels like pooping and vomiting at the same time. Never did it came to me that this will happen. Wut? My husband did cheat on me? Really? Yes he did. I’ve known my husband to be a very sensitive person, a good, loving, kind, kind of person. But never did it occur to me that one day he’ll cheat on me and I’ll caught him. You know I’m a very understanding, open minded person and too trusting too. Maybe that’s why sometimes I am being taken advantage of. Because I’m too kind and soft and don’t talk and speak that much. But this one, this is different. This is a slap on the face, worse than that. This is one of my greatest fear, a thing I don’t want to get involved in.But here it is now in my face. So how did I find out? 8 years of living together is reasonable enough to know a person better. 8 years ago we said our I do’s and since then we were living together. I can say that we had a really good relationship as friends, best of friends, husband and wife. Lot’s of things happened, we stayed strong over the years, we conquered challenges together. So enough of the past drama but here we are now. Last, last night my husband and I had this very strange conversation where he asked me if what would I do if I ever find out that he had a crush on someone at work, I just shook it of and laughed at it and I said to him in a joke that I would go to the office and kick the girl like King Leonidas did in 300 and that I would in a tone of Sadako (The Grudge) tell him the lines of Liam Neeson “I will find you”. Then we laughed together.Then I changed the topic as I find it hard to talk about this things and awkward too. Then he asked me if what advice I could give to him, I told him you better stop it right away, it doesn’t look good, you are already married to me, you are also working in a government office, code of conduct that is. And I told him I stopped looking at other guys the moment we got married, in fact he is my only boyfriend, my first love, my first crush and all. So then we went to sleep, morning came he went to work and I my day went on too. He arrived like 5:30 in the afternoon and we ate dinner, and then he asked me how my day was and I asked him how his day went as well. Then I remembered I need to buy a load for my smart sim card. I mentioned it to him and he asked me if I could buy him one too. I am not suppose to go as it is not urgent for me but he insisted that I go and buy him a card. So as a good, loving wife I did went out to buy. I went to Gaisano mall and bought the load card and then I went to the bookstore for a while to check on some books and magazines that I love. Then I went home. Upon arriving at the door I knocked and peeped inside but no one is answering, so I knocked again and I called his name, I overheard him talking to someone over the phone, and then it took like 3 more minutes before the door was opened. He is in defense mode and said to me “I am calling someone at the back since there was no signal inside the house”. And I said ok and didn’t ask who is he calling, I gave him the card and he loaded it in his phone, he is so anxious and went outside to call the person again, but somewhere where I wouldn’t be able to hear. I didn’t bother. But I am feeling the strangeness, so the night goes on, he went to bed, we are using a double decked bed so he climbed up and told me to wake him up after 1 hour, I went busy with my task and then when I went up to check on him he was texting someone but he is kind of hiding the phone to me, in fact I never had a chance to see the message but I saw the name “Ms. DJ”. I was adamant to ask him about her. So I just continued with my work, but I’m starting to get really pissed. He is cheating right in front of me. So I waited for him to go to sleep and took his phone he had a password on it and added another password on the message area. Strange right? I hacked it and looked for the messages but they were already gone. I am on fire this time, so I went to the call history and saw their call history and how many times he’d tried contacting her and how she also missed called him. I am super furious and I sent the girl a message and told her I find it strange why my husband kept on calling her and that I saw him message her of non-work related messages. I told her they better stop it asap. I said work related communication is fine but aside from that it is unacceptable at all. I told her to show her professionalism and respect. So now I am waiting for my husband to wake up so we can discuss about this matter seriously, why he would do that to me and what have I done to him to deserve this. This has to end. I am looking forward for a great relationship with him, and I am looking forward for more years of good friendship, husband and wife relationship where we both are loyal and trust each other, that we become good example to our own siblings, that we become better people. Hopefully this incident will help both of us grow more.

Do I still know how to utter the words?

Do I still know how to utter the words?

At times I feel like I’m a mute, everything is in my mind but I’m trying so hard to let them out or even utter a single word to express them. I feel like a superhero whose powers are fading as time goes by. A weak one. A lot of times I find myself floating and thinking, imagining things and feeling so inspired but all of a sudden it would just fade away.

I feel so heavy, so burdened, so down that no matter what I do to inspire myself to go on, get back on track, I always end up failing to do so.

It’s a good thing I have you here to listen and allow me to fill your blank spaces. My nonsense, eccentric, pathetic arguments. Well I’m glad I’ writing these today. So thank you my friend.

Hopefully one day I would wake up from this and begins to utter some words and let them hear my voice. I’d like to once again rise from the fall.

It’s not everyday

It’s not everyday

It’s not even everyday that I get to write on your pages, I admit the trauma is still lurking deep inside me. It’s never that easy to get free. It’s hard to forget when every time you try, your heart remembers everything. I’m totally lost right now. Don’t even know where to begin. I’m seeing myself trapped inside a cage full of thorns and lasers to cut and tear me if I try to move.

This dark, very dark place where I am is killing me, it’s so easy to hide this feelings in plain site. It’s so easy to fool onlookers to let them feel everything is just fine when it’s actually not. This heavy feeling, this coldness, this emptiness, I don’t know how much more I can take.

It’s been 8 years when I started to take this journey and yet I’m still here, I actually never left the phase where those demons lurking are trying to kill my soul, my dreams and goals.

I’ve tried, I actually tried so hard to a point where I am disgusted, I pity myself for not being able to conquer it. When I thought I already won the game I didn’t know it has just started.

All the heartaches and pains, I don’t even know why I’m still alive. These very people whom I thought were my life have actually ruined me. I’m filthier than a trash to them.

It’s hard that I can’t really tell someone what I truly feel. It’s hard to bent it out when you have no choice but to keep it to yourself. Thank you for letting me borrow you tonight. Thank you for this page.

God thanks so much that I can always write to you. Thanks so much for letting me do this for all of the blessings. Please do help me with my sorrows God so that I will know where to begin and how to end it. I know that You are the only one who could listen and read this right now. I am so burdened God that I would like to ask for your guidance and help. I’m so sorry if I am stubborn and for being so cold, sorry to bother you but this is the only way I know. I’m glad to have this moment with you. I love you God. Thanks a lot!

Agos, hinagpis at dagok

Agos, hinagpis at dagok

May mga pagkakataong sa buhay natin ay kayraming nangyayari. Mga pangyayaring magulo, mahirap ipaliwanag. Yun bang sa isang iglap biglang nakita mo na lamang ang iyong sarili na nasa isang tabi, tulala, walang lakas, maputla, tila wala nang pag asa.May mga pagkakataong pinilit mong sumabay sa agos ngunit sobrang bigat at ni hindi ka man lang anurin. Napakasalimuot, hindi mo malaman kung saan, bakit, sino at paano. Ang hirap umusad, ang hirap na harapin ang lahat. Ito na nga siguro ang dagok ng buhay. Kayhirap ialis sa isip, sa puso, sa utak.

Hindi ko rin maintindihan, bakit kasi kailangan pang mangyari ang lahat. Durog na durog ang aking katauhan. Di halos makabangon. Sa kabila ng lahat ng dinanas ito na yata ang sobrang laking dagok na sa akin ay dumating.

Ang hirap palang hanapin ang sarili matapos kang yurakin, apihin, umiyak, saktan.Sobrang hirap, sobrang sakit ng lahat. Parang sasabog ang puso ko. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin makita ang liwanag na aking hinahanap. Pinilit kong iwanan, kalimutan pero ayaw lang talaga.Kayraming pangarap ko ang di natupad, kayraming oras ko ang nasayang, kayraming salita, panulat ang hindi ko nailathala. Napakalaking balakid. Ni minsan ay hindi pumasok sa isip ko na ang dagok na ito ang siyang magiging hadlang upang hindi ko masabasi ang mga nais kong sabihin, tila isa akon bulag, pipi, bingi, manhid, walang puso, walang kakayahan, walang kwenta. Ilang beses man akong umiyak, sumubok na magpakasaya di pa rin nawawala.

Sana nga isang araw ang dagok na ito ay lumisan na upang hinagpis ay mapalitan ng saya at muli’y makasabay sa agos ng tadhana.