Hey there, I’m afraid I need to borrow your pages today. The inevitable did happen and yes it hurts. It’s a mix of emotions actually. It feels like pooping and vomiting at the same time. Never did it came to me that this will happen. Wut? My husband did cheat on me? Really? Yes he did. I’ve known my husband to be a very sensitive person, a good, loving, kind, kind of person. But never did it occur to me that one day he’ll cheat on me and I’ll caught him. You know I’m a very understanding, open minded person and too trusting too. Maybe that’s why sometimes I am being taken advantage of. Because I’m too kind and soft and don’t talk and speak that much. But this one, this is different. This is a slap on the face, worse than that. This is one of my greatest fear, a thing I don’t want to get involved in.But here it is now in my face. So how did I find out? 8 years of living together is reasonable enough to know a person better. 8 years ago we said our I do’s and since then we were living together. I can say that we had a really good relationship as friends, best of friends, husband and wife. Lot’s of things happened, we stayed strong over the years, we conquered challenges together. So enough of the past drama but here we are now. Last, last night my husband and I had this very strange conversation where he asked me if what would I do if I ever find out that he had a crush on someone at work, I just shook it of and laughed at it and I said to him in a joke that I would go to the office and kick the girl like King Leonidas did in 300 and that I would in a tone of Sadako (The Grudge) tell him the lines of Liam Neeson “I will find you”. Then we laughed together.Then I changed the topic as I find it hard to talk about this things and awkward too. Then he asked me if what advice I could give to him, I told him you better stop it right away, it doesn’t look good, you are already married to me, you are also working in a government office, code of conduct that is. And I told him I stopped looking at other guys the moment we got married, in fact he is my only boyfriend, my first love, my first crush and all. So then we went to sleep, morning came he went to work and I my day went on too. He arrived like 5:30 in the afternoon and we ate dinner, and then he asked me how my day was and I asked him how his day went as well. Then I remembered I need to buy a load for my smart sim card. I mentioned it to him and he asked me if I could buy him one too. I am not suppose to go as it is not urgent for me but he insisted that I go and buy him a card. So as a good, loving wife I did went out to buy. I went to Gaisano mall and bought the load card and then I went to the bookstore for a while to check on some books and magazines that I love. Then I went home. Upon arriving at the door I knocked and peeped inside but no one is answering, so I knocked again and I called his name, I overheard him talking to someone over the phone, and then it took like 3 more minutes before the door was opened. He is in defense mode and said to me “I am calling someone at the back since there was no signal inside the house”. And I said ok and didn’t ask who is he calling, I gave him the card and he loaded it in his phone, he is so anxious and went outside to call the person again, but somewhere where I wouldn’t be able to hear. I didn’t bother. But I am feeling the strangeness, so the night goes on, he went to bed, we are using a double decked bed so he climbed up and told me to wake him up after 1 hour, I went busy with my task and then when I went up to check on him he was texting someone but he is kind of hiding the phone to me, in fact I never had a chance to see the message but I saw the name “Ms. DJ”. I was adamant to ask him about her. So I just continued with my work, but I’m starting to get really pissed. He is cheating right in front of me. So I waited for him to go to sleep and took his phone he had a password on it and added another password on the message area. Strange right? I hacked it and looked for the messages but they were already gone. I am on fire this time, so I went to the call history and saw their call history and how many times he’d tried contacting her and how she also missed called him. I am super furious and I sent the girl a message and told her I find it strange why my husband kept on calling her and that I saw him message her of non-work related messages. I told her they better stop it asap. I said work related communication is fine but aside from that it is unacceptable at all. I told her to show her professionalism and respect. So now I am waiting for my husband to wake up so we can discuss about this matter seriously, why he would do that to me and what have I done to him to deserve this. This has to end. I am looking forward for a great relationship with him, and I am looking forward for more years of good friendship, husband and wife relationship where we both are loyal and trust each other, that we become good example to our own siblings, that we become better people. Hopefully this incident will help both of us grow more.
At times I feel like I’m a mute, everything is in my mind but I’m trying so hard to let them out or even utter a single word to express them. I feel like a superhero whose powers are fading as time goes by. A weak one. A lot of times I find myself floating and thinking, imagining things and feeling so inspired but all of a sudden it would just fade away.
I feel so heavy, so burdened, so down that no matter what I do to inspire myself to go on, get back on track, I always end up failing to do so.
It’s a good thing I have you here to listen and allow me to fill your blank spaces. My nonsense, eccentric, pathetic arguments. Well I’m glad I’ writing these today. So thank you my friend.
Hopefully one day I would wake up from this and begins to utter some words and let them hear my voice. I’d like to once again rise from the fall.
It’s not even everyday that I get to write on your pages, I admit the trauma is still lurking deep inside me. It’s never that easy to get free. It’s hard to forget when every time you try, your heart remembers everything. I’m totally lost right now. Don’t even know where to begin. I’m seeing myself trapped inside a cage full of thorns and lasers to cut and tear me if I try to move.
This dark, very dark place where I am is killing me, it’s so easy to hide this feelings in plain site. It’s so easy to fool onlookers to let them feel everything is just fine when it’s actually not. This heavy feeling, this coldness, this emptiness, I don’t know how much more I can take.
It’s been 8 years when I started to take this journey and yet I’m still here, I actually never left the phase where those demons lurking are trying to kill my soul, my dreams and goals.
I’ve tried, I actually tried so hard to a point where I am disgusted, I pity myself for not being able to conquer it. When I thought I already won the game I didn’t know it has just started.
All the heartaches and pains, I don’t even know why I’m still alive. These very people whom I thought were my life have actually ruined me. I’m filthier than a trash to them.
It’s hard that I can’t really tell someone what I truly feel. It’s hard to bent it out when you have no choice but to keep it to yourself. Thank you for letting me borrow you tonight. Thank you for this page.
God thanks so much that I can always write to you. Thanks so much for letting me do this for all of the blessings. Please do help me with my sorrows God so that I will know where to begin and how to end it. I know that You are the only one who could listen and read this right now. I am so burdened God that I would like to ask for your guidance and help. I’m so sorry if I am stubborn and for being so cold, sorry to bother you but this is the only way I know. I’m glad to have this moment with you. I love you God. Thanks a lot!
May mga pagkakataong sa buhay natin ay kayraming nangyayari. Mga pangyayaring magulo, mahirap ipaliwanag. Yun bang sa isang iglap biglang nakita mo na lamang ang iyong sarili na nasa isang tabi, tulala, walang lakas, maputla, tila wala nang pag asa.May mga pagkakataong pinilit mong sumabay sa agos ngunit sobrang bigat at ni hindi ka man lang anurin. Napakasalimuot, hindi mo malaman kung saan, bakit, sino at paano. Ang hirap umusad, ang hirap na harapin ang lahat. Ito na nga siguro ang dagok ng buhay. Kayhirap ialis sa isip, sa puso, sa utak.
Hindi ko rin maintindihan, bakit kasi kailangan pang mangyari ang lahat. Durog na durog ang aking katauhan. Di halos makabangon. Sa kabila ng lahat ng dinanas ito na yata ang sobrang laking dagok na sa akin ay dumating.
Ang hirap palang hanapin ang sarili matapos kang yurakin, apihin, umiyak, saktan.Sobrang hirap, sobrang sakit ng lahat. Parang sasabog ang puso ko. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin makita ang liwanag na aking hinahanap. Pinilit kong iwanan, kalimutan pero ayaw lang talaga.Kayraming pangarap ko ang di natupad, kayraming oras ko ang nasayang, kayraming salita, panulat ang hindi ko nailathala. Napakalaking balakid. Ni minsan ay hindi pumasok sa isip ko na ang dagok na ito ang siyang magiging hadlang upang hindi ko masabasi ang mga nais kong sabihin, tila isa akon bulag, pipi, bingi, manhid, walang puso, walang kakayahan, walang kwenta. Ilang beses man akong umiyak, sumubok na magpakasaya di pa rin nawawala.
Sana nga isang araw ang dagok na ito ay lumisan na upang hinagpis ay mapalitan ng saya at muli’y makasabay sa agos ng tadhana.
As a kid I have always dreamed of Hello Kitty, dreams like owning a hello kitty themed house and village! A lot of hello kitty stuffs.
It’s always been a dream, just a dream, but then I’m not losing hope so I started collecting hello kitty stuffs and it’s fun, it fills the kid inside me and makes me wonder more! Will I even be able to get the dream. Well I believe that no matter how small or big it is I wouldn’t matter for as long as I have started building it.
So I wanted to share my hello kitty collections here. Enjoy!
I needed a refresh! Brain…brain…brain work! So I’m looking at starting new things and going back to blogging again. Simply because I kept on forgetting a lot of things and I wanted a lot of memories stored in here.
I miss blogging I needed to improve my writing and vocabs and above that I needed to share some stories!
What I like about this is that it’s kind of personal space for me where I can writer everything and anything that i wanted without hesitation. I like it that nobody would care to read it until somebody found it by accident. I don’t want to be famous I just wanted to more about myself that I think writing in here would help me understand more about my nature.
Life has no meaning if we don’t make the most of what we ever wanted. Why should we stop ourselves when we have the ability to do so.
How long has it been? Well there are times that I really wanted to go back to writing but there’s something that’s holding me back. I’m not sure but maybe I am just going crazy these days. I’d like to do a lot of soul searching and find myself but I feel so weak and can’t understand what’s happening to me.
Anyway, I’m glad I was able to write something here today.