It’s not everyday

It’s not everyday

It’s not even everyday that I get to write on your pages, I admit the trauma is still lurking deep inside me. It’s never that easy to get free. It’s hard to forget when every time you try, your heart remembers everything. I’m totally lost right now. Don’t even know where to begin. I’m seeing myself trapped inside a cage full of thorns and lasers to cut and tear me if I try to move.

This dark, very dark place where I am is killing me, it’s so easy to hide this feelings in plain site. It’s so easy to fool onlookers to let them feel everything is just fine when it’s actually not. This heavy feeling, this coldness, this emptiness, I don’t know how much more I can take.

It’s been 8 years when I started to take this journey and yet I’m still here, I actually never left the phase where those demons lurking are trying to kill my soul, my dreams and goals.

I’ve tried, I actually tried so hard to a point where I am disgusted, I pity myself for not being able to conquer it. When I thought I already won the game I didn’t know it has just started.

All the heartaches and pains, I don’t even know why I’m still alive. These very people whom I thought were my life have actually ruined me. I’m filthier than a trash to them.

It’s hard that I can’t really tell someone what I truly feel. It’s hard to bent it out when you have no choice but to keep it to yourself. Thank you for letting me borrow you tonight. Thank you for this page.

God thanks so much that I can always write to you. Thanks so much for letting me do this for all of the blessings. Please do help me with my sorrows God so that I will know where to begin and how to end it. I know that You are the only one who could listen and read this right now. I am so burdened God that I would like to ask for your guidance and help. I’m so sorry if I am stubborn and for being so cold, sorry to bother you but this is the only way I know. I’m glad to have this moment with you. I love you God. Thanks a lot!

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Agos, hinagpis at dagok

Agos, hinagpis at dagok

May mga pagkakataong sa buhay natin ay kayraming nangyayari. Mga pangyayaring magulo, mahirap ipaliwanag. Yun bang sa isang iglap biglang nakita mo na lamang ang iyong sarili na nasa isang tabi, tulala, walang lakas, maputla, tila wala nang pag asa.May mga pagkakataong pinilit mong sumabay sa agos ngunit sobrang bigat at ni hindi ka man lang anurin. Napakasalimuot, hindi mo malaman kung saan, bakit, sino at paano. Ang hirap umusad, ang hirap na harapin ang lahat. Ito na nga siguro ang dagok ng buhay. Kayhirap ialis sa isip, sa puso, sa utak.

Hindi ko rin maintindihan, bakit kasi kailangan pang mangyari ang lahat. Durog na durog ang aking katauhan. Di halos makabangon. Sa kabila ng lahat ng dinanas ito na yata ang sobrang laking dagok na sa akin ay dumating.

Ang hirap palang hanapin ang sarili matapos kang yurakin, apihin, umiyak, saktan.Sobrang hirap, sobrang sakit ng lahat. Parang sasabog ang puso ko. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin makita ang liwanag na aking hinahanap. Pinilit kong iwanan, kalimutan pero ayaw lang talaga.Kayraming pangarap ko ang di natupad, kayraming oras ko ang nasayang, kayraming salita, panulat ang hindi ko nailathala. Napakalaking balakid. Ni minsan ay hindi pumasok sa isip ko na ang dagok na ito ang siyang magiging hadlang upang hindi ko masabasi ang mga nais kong sabihin, tila isa akon bulag, pipi, bingi, manhid, walang puso, walang kakayahan, walang kwenta. Ilang beses man akong umiyak, sumubok na magpakasaya di pa rin nawawala.

Sana nga isang araw ang dagok na ito ay lumisan na upang hinagpis ay mapalitan ng saya at muli’y makasabay sa agos ng tadhana.