On Marriage: Resolving the Cheating Issue

On Marriage: Resolving the Cheating Issue

So here’s a continuation of yesterday’s saga. I waited for my husband to wake up so we could talk. I was not able to sleep the whole night. I kept on thinking why he would do that to me. What have I done to deserve such.

So morning came, he woke up early to prepare for work and I know that she is still in his mind, he has no idea I already knew it. So I woke up as well and waited for the right time to confront him about the issue.

So I reminded him of one thing we talked the other night not related to the issue, then he asked me why I would wake up for such a minute thing, and that’s the time I started to ask him in a tease, I told him “You know you have a fault, there’s something that you did and I already knew it.” He keeps on guessing and I told him I knew about him flirting with someone else and that I texted the girl and I saw the phone records as well. And I asked him why would he do that. I told him we’ve invested so much in this relationship and that I love him and we need to resolve the issue right away. I told him that there are still other things to think about other than that issue.

I’m glad that he is honest and that he told me about it and said he is actually ending the issue between them. He however couldn’t believe that I’ve messaged the girl.  I told him about the whole context of the message I sent the girl and ask him to never ever get involve in this kind of situation again. He said sorry, I said I love him and that he should not do this to me. I am keeping myself strong and not cry. I understand he has to leave early for work so that’s the end of the conversation.

When he arrived night time, we once again discussed about the issue, we dine out and  I listened to what he had to say, he had explained to me that he’s kind of fallen for her because she’s challenged him by avoiding him or something like that and he keeps on explaining that he needs to say to her that he had a crush on her and that he just wanted to be transparent about it. I listened to the whole explanation and then I said. “You know, no matter how you explain it, there is no other way to describe it but cheating.” Why would you fall for someone when you already have me? Do you not love me anymore? Have I done something wrong or have I wronged you that made you do it? Can you please explain because I am not understanding why you have to do it. And I told him you know when you are married that is suppose to be the last thing that your wife should be thinking about. Cheating is not even in my vocabs, I never thought of it, I told him he just need to stop it, do not invest those kinds of feelings and emotion to someone else or there are consequences. Then he explained to me that maybe he just misses the days when he is still courting, that kind of feeling. Then in my mind I said why not think of something to bring back that spark between us. And I would always end to a point telling him that no explanation could ever justify cheating. And yes he cheated.

So the only thing I needed from him is assurance and his loyalty. While we were discussing he also mentioned that he thinks of me while doing it and have been contemplating as well why he would do such a thing. And then I said to him, you know I don’t want us to be like other people, I don’t want this issue to grow bigger, I told him he needs to realize that there are consequences, it’s not only me, but both our families, his career could be affected.

I told him I want us to leave a good legacy to our siblings and that no matter how the thing is he needs to stop it. He needs to assure me that there’s nobody else other than me. He did and I believe him.

But still it’s not easy for me. This will take long and maybe I would never even forget this. Hopefully he keeps his word.

3 thoughts on “On Marriage: Resolving the Cheating Issue

  1. He’s having some fantasy(defense mechanism that is the channeling of unacceptable or unattainable desires into imagination. This can protect ones self esteem as when educational, vocational or social expectations are not being met, one imagines success in these areas and wards off self condemnation.) I admire how you guys process your thoughts about this event. If you, yourself don’t let your own ego in the way, or affect your own self-esteem it will linger on and on in your mind that he did it because…(negative thoughts will start to bother you, yourself). But most successful couples went through this challenge. You are very patient woman and a very loving wife to allow him to express his thoughts to you why he did it. He is telling you that something is missing in your marriage. By overcoming this, you will understand more about each other. It takes a lifetime to know oneself, it will take a lifetime to know the other person. If this is not realized, the problem will destroy both of you. The best thing to do is do not obsess about “being cheated” or having cheated someone. But to figure out what is missing in your relationship then try to see if it can be fixed…if trust can be restored. It is not to prove loyalty that needed to be done. But to take accountability of the damage that has caused (actually) both of you. Acknowledged that there is already damages done. But try not to be against the other…or demand that the other person will fix it for you. Only you can fix your own emotions/feelings(brokenness or sense of woundedness). Do not try to throw the blame, hatred or anger towards the third person either. Because all these has implications…with regards to why and how come this event happened. Acknowledge that the damage has already been done- the moment you learn about the event it is TRAUMATIZING. Not only it is traumatizing, it could tapped off more history of trauma you ever experienced in your life. It is like opening a Pandora box in both of your lives. This situation is also another defense mechanism of “Triangulation.” He may be in grief(something deeper) that he is not heard in your relationship that he was trying to satisfy that need by bringing in another person to talk about him or his life. So try to deal with the situation as a couple. Do not look at him as your enemy. God bless you both.

    1. Thanks Manang I’m really trying to understand the situation, the way he explained it to me is that he had a crush on her and then it started to grow more because she’s making pakitpot feelings sa iya and that made him pursue her more, you know like the high school thing, I am thinking it’s more of infatuation. But it just hurts that he’s only one month at work and already he’s trying to look at other girls. You know I trust him so much and love him so much that I didn’t think he would be able to do this to me. In fact I’m super happy for him and his new career path and only have positive hopes and wishes for him there. But you’re right the damage has been done and it’s actually going to linger on me for a long time.

      I’m very glad that we have discussed the issue and had a more peaceful talk and agreement about things.

  2. You are such a great writer. You write your thoughts and feelings clearly, organized and good command of words. It is very easy to follow what you are conveying in your blog. I am impressed of your writing ability. On top of that, I am impressed of your “inner voice.” Love and light to you. Praying for both of you.

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